iHate iPad

-begin rant-

Steve Jobs just told me that the latest "iPlague" will cost me a mere $500, it doesn't do as much as my comperably priced laptop, but that doesn't matter because its an Apple product and now I can't wait to give him my money...

Or at least that's the way it sounds to me when someone starts mindlessly droning about how the iPad is going to "change" the way we compute. At first, before all the stats got out, I was open minded. I thought that perhaps, a super portable little slate could be just the type of thing to toss in a messenger bag and take to work/vacation etc... Sort of like an Apple Air minus the keyboard. (Not really game changing but kinda cool).

Then I heard that the os is basically a pudgy iPhone os and that there wouldn't be any way to connect to the thing except via the docking port. Hmmm...not sounding like so much of a game changer. As I sat there trying to figure out how exactly what this thing could do that my laptop couldn't, I realized that I had just done what the Jobsian Leviathan had wanted;
I had attempted to justify the device. I'm not talking about merely justifying the price, I mean, justifying the iPad's very existence.

It quickly became apparent to everyone who has followed this story that with a 1Ghz processor, no expandable storage or USB ports that this thing is an iPhone with a bigger screen. I use my iPhone for my portable interwebz fix and it works great especially when a small laptop is just too bulky to use around the office or at lunch etc...

If I'm at home, I admittedly do use the iPhone for facebook and a quick fact check during XYZ tv show, but for the heavy stuff I hop on the laptop or desktop. I ditch the hand held for the detailed work because, typing out an email or doing in depth research is just plain easier with a keyboard and mouse (duh).

Hence, Apples sales tactic is to convince me that I need this secondary, intermediate slate to bridge the "gap" between my iPhone and my laptop/desktop. This is where things get silly because I would have to say to myself "hmmm...the iPhone screen is too small to view this site...I need to upsize...but gosh, I don't want to walk over to my laptop a few feet away or my desktop two dozen feet away, instead I'll get an iPad!".

Further, Apple apparently feels that the bigger screen is basically the only additional benefit of the iPad because its not able to access Hulu even though my laptop is perfectly capable of doing just that. For me this is big because if I actually do decide to lug my laptop + cord etc... its because I want to be able to watch Hulu, so for me this is a big part of my portable PC usage.

By the way, when I bring my laptop with me I like to set it on the bed/couch/desk and set the screen at the right angle to view everything easily...To do that with an iPad I'd have to bring an extra stand or rig something up. Not huge admittedly, but still an element of functionality that a laptop has and an iPad does not. Also, it detracts from the portability argument of the iPad.

Then of course there is the physical keyboard issue...ugh...so many are quick to note that the illustrious iPad can be paired with a nice looking keyboard to do the "heavy lifting". Oh of course! How could I forget? After all, the iPad is all about simplifying the computing experience so all I need to do to barely achieve a level of functionality equivalent to that of any cheap netbook is to buy the $69 piece of hardware and I'll be able to view the iPad in all its wide screen glory right?...whats that you say? It can only be viewed in the vertical "portrait" mode? oh...ok, well Apple knows what form and function should be better than the rest of humanity...so I guess having an awkward looking vertical view makes me a better person.

After all, what I lack in landscape viewing capability I can make up for in improved portability over that netbook of yours...just gimme a sec to unload the keyboard and the dock and the iPad, and then carefully connect everything. Whats that? You only have to unpack and unfold one device? Pssshh that is SOOO 2000andlate!

So you see, what Apple has created with the iPad is at best MARGINALLY practical.Yet still the fanboyeees practically plotz themselves as they regurgitate the proclamations of the the coming computing "change" that is iPad fever.

The good news? Well, Apple still has lots of iPads left over even after all the silly hype...looks like for once the spin isn't enough to overcome the stupidity of it all. If they drop the price by a few hundred bucks then maybe the novelty would be worth it, till then Jobs, try doing something productive like making your Godphone keep more than one app open at a time.

-end rant-